When a friend or acquaintance dies, you may not be sure of what to say or do. It can be even more confusing when it is a business relationship.

Here are some of the most commonly asked questions:

How long should I stay at a visitation?

It is only necessary to stay for a short time—fifteen minutes or so is probably enough time to express your sympathy. You do not need to stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during any prayers that might be offered.

What should I say?

Use your own words. A few kind words about the person who died is always appropriate. A simple “I’m so sorry” is even enough—your presence is what really matters.

If you knew the deceased personally, perhaps you can share with family members some of your memories of them. It can be very comforting to a family to know that their loved one will be remembered in many different ways. Above all, don’t feel as though you must avoid talking about the person who has died.

If you are an acquaintance of the deceased but not well-known to the family, immediately introduce yourself. This also applies if you did not know the deceased but knew only a family member.

Viewing the deceased is not mandatory. But if the family offers, you should do so out of respect.

Always sign your name in the guest register. If you are a business associate of the deceased and the family might not otherwise know you, note your company affiliation after your name.

Should I send flowers?

Flowers can be a great comfort. Some people prefer to send flowers to the family residence afterwards. If the family asks that donations be made in lieu of flowers, you should honor that request.

A client of mine called me a few months ago in a panic of what kind of flowers she should send to an associate’s family while grieving a loved one. She mentioned that this was a prominent family and she was sure that flower arrangements would be plentiful at the funeral home. I reminded her that this is not a contest. I suggested she purchase a small vintage vase and have simple, white fragrant orchids placed in it and delivered to the home. A smaller arrangement might fit on a nightstand or a small table where a larger arrangement wouldn’t. And the vintage vase will remain after the flowers are gone. Whether expressed simply or elaborately, thoughtfulness counts.

A simple sympathy card or brief hand-written note is always appropriate. Express yourself openly and sincerely.

Should I go to the cemetery after the funeral?

This is a decision you will need to make based on your relationship the family and your comfort level.

This also applies to receptions following the service. Such a reception or gathering will usually be announced immediately following the service, or through independent invitations from the family. Don’t assume you should be included, and don’t feel slighted if you aren’t. This is often time for the family and close friends.

What if I’m unsure of the religious or culture customs of the deceased’s family?

These customs do indeed vary.

If the deceased was Catholic, some people will send a mass card instead or, or in addition to, flowers. Catholics and non-Catholics may arrange for a mass to be said for the deceased. It is also appropriate to arrange a mass on the anniversary of the death.

In Jewish families, interment of the deceased usually occurs within twenty-four hours. Specific customs will vary depending if the family is Orthodox or Reformed.

Feel free to contact the funeral home for direction on behavior and expectations.

What if I can’t make it to the visitation or funeral?

Calling, or calling on, the family member can give you an opportunity to offer your help and support, and is a nice gesture.

Keep in mind that grief is a process that takes place over days, months and years. A visit following the service can be just as meaningful and heartfelt as your presence at the funeral. Particularly helpful can be an invitation a number of months after the funeral that will bring the family member back out into the world and know they haven’t been forgotten.